Things I Used to Think

I like to think I lead a pretty simplistic life. Good is good. Bad is bad. Not a lot of gray areas. Apparently this all started at a young age as I recall what I am lovingly titling "Things I Used to Think." Generally there is no basis for any of these thoughts - I just think they are funny now.

1. All bad kids are given to Indians. I do not have any idea where this idea came from. But if a kid is acting up and being a brat - I still think to myself "He's going to have to go live with the Indians." I can also remember thinking that the Indians took the children somewhere along the Muskingum River near Terry's Tavern in Zanesville, Ohio. Really. No earthly reason anyone would ever tell me this. But I suspect my sister.

2. People with the same last name are related. My friend Kelly Carpenter not only shared the last name with The Carpenters - she also had every one of their albums. They had to be cousins or something! Fortunately, this idea turned out good for me in the end - as I do not want to be related to Nazi war criminals.

3. Everyone knows how to swim. Hmmm. Turns out they don't.

4. Anyone older than me is infinitely smarter and cooler than me. Except for the Rosecrans Class of 1979 - I'd have to go with false on this one, too.

5. Long melodious names are much better than short ones. They sound prettier to the ear - but think of how long Victoria Franchesca Mussolini has to spend filling in the bubbles on her SATs than Ann Clark. But Victoria probably aced the history portion.

Wives Can Suffer From It, Too

****This is in no way making light of any ailments.



I think I may be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

I heard a song yesterday that stopped me cold in my tracks and by the end of the song I was in tears. I immediately googled the lyrics to the song - and then continued to cry for another 20 minutes. Fortunately, I had the strength to get on with the rest of the day but the song continues to haunt me. Even this morning, I, fool that I am, wanted to see if it had the same affect on me. Guess what - it sure did.



The song is Meet Me Halfway by the Black Eyed Peas. I love the Black Eyed Peas! If there is a band that can get you moving and having fun - it is certainly them! I secretly dance to them when I think no one is looking and I've been caught on more than one occasion singing along with them. So you can imagine my surprise when this song caught me off guard.



Then it occurred to me why I got so emotional. The Black Eyed Peas managed to capture my exact feelings while my husband was deployed to Iraq. But, this is where it gets crazy. It's been a while since he deployed....but the song made all the feelings I felt while he was deployed very fresh. It is not an overstatement to say I was totally blindsided by the song and the feelings it refreshed.



Here is a link to the song with the lyrics. I like this link because there is no visual - which might have been a bad thing - I was alone with my thoughts.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lllNepYe2z8&feature=related



What you need to know about me - most people think I am not an emotional person. I may be opinionated. I may be loud. I may be cynical - but most people will never know how deep my emotions run. I am a closeted emotional wreck most of the time. Give me a good movie and the tears will flow. Probably not related to the movie in any way - just a good reason to cry over everything I am thinking about. I don't think this is a good thing - but this is just how it is.



Back to the song...it captures the exact mood of every day my Marine was gone. I'm guessing only other military wives can understand the depth of feelings a deployment conjures - but I'm sure there are spouses feeling the same depth of emotions if their husband is gone overnight or a week. But, people, 7 months is a long time. A year is a long time. I should be lucky I only had the 7 months.



He had deployed many times before - but never for that long - and certainly not leaving me with three pre-teens. And this was different - it was a war zone. He was a commander. I had people that needed to be taken care of.



During the day I was spot on with all my duties, obligations and responsibilities. I was a little Marsha Brady - I was a member of everything from clubs, to school groups to team mom. It kept me occupied and only a little amount of time each day was reserved for thinking about Iraq.



But after the meetings were adjourned, games played, dinner fed and the kids off to bed - I would find myself with about 10 hours before the routine started again. And if I remember correctly, each and every second of those 10 hours was reserved for missing my husband and best friend.



It's not like I could pack the kids and fly to the dessert. Would it be - I would have done it. I just wanted to see him. Talk about stupid things. Laugh.



Sometimes if we timed it just right - he would log on to his account and we could email back and forth in real time. I would pray for these nights and sometimes not go to bed until 2 or 3 in the morning just hoping he might be there. On the nights we did connect - it was usually for about 10 minutes. So while I lived for these 10 minutes - we had to eventually say goodbye so he could start his day and I could end mine. I still don't know which was worse - missing our online conversations or saying goodbye.



"I can't go any further than this" Wow. What a profound statement in just 7 words. Literally, I couldn't go any further than the Internet to be close to him - that was as close as I could be to him. The kids and I went to Caroline Beach for Spring Break during this time- and staring at the ocean while having a 10 minute midnight email tag was probably the closest I ever felt to him while he was gone. Take those same 7 words to another level - and this is very uncomfortable. If I didn't stop myself from obsessing about him - I believe I might have fallen into some chasm of crazy. I had to stop watching the news. Reading papers. Talking about it. Our midnight dalliances were as far as I could take the relationship. So it wasn't as if I didn't care. I cared too much. About me. My family. My sanity.

I don't mean to make light of of post trauma - it is a real medical condition and true heroes suffer from the syndrome, but I do think it might be possible for those left behind to suffer from it, too. Why not? I certainly never thought I'd have a reaction to a song like that. The squadron returned on a September day a few years ago.

Maybe I'll just stick to my Earth Wind and Fire CD. It kept me going while things were tough. One song in particular I would blare from my car stereo and sing along at the top of my lungs. I would always take the CD with me when we had squadron functions and invariably the song would get people on their feet. The song? September.

These are the lyrics in red -



I can't go any further than this

I want you so badly, it's my biggest wish

Cool, I spent my time just thinkin' thinkin' thinkin' bout you

Every single day, ´cause I'm really missin' missin' you

And all those things we use to, use to, use to, use to do





Hey girl what's up yo... what's up, what's up, what's up

Can you meet me halfway, right at the borderline

That's where I'm gonna wait, for you

I'll be lookin' out, night n'day

Took my heart to the limit, and this is where I'll stay

Oh oh oh oh oh I can't go any further than this



Oh oh oh oh oh I want you so bad it's my only wish

Girl,

I travel round the world and even sail the seven seas

Across the universe I'll go to other galaxies

Just tell me where to go,

just tell me where you wanna meet

I navigate myself myself to take me where you be Cause girl I want I,

I... I want you right nowI travel uptown (town) I travel downtown

Wanna have you around (round) like every single day I love you alway, way

(I'll meet you halfway

Can you meet me half way)

Right at the borderline

That's where I'm gonna wait, for you

I'll be lookin' out, night n'day

Took my heart to the limit, and this is where I'll stay



I can't go any further than this



I want you so bad it's my only wish

I can't go any further than this

I want you so bad it's my only wish



Let's walk the bridge, to the other side Just you and I (just you and I)

I will fly, fly the skies, for you and I (for you and I)

I will try, until I die, for you and I, for you and I, for for for you and I,

For for for you and I, for for you and I, for you and I



Can you meet me half way Can you meet me half way

Can you meet me half way Can you meet me half waaaay!

Meet me half way, right at the borderline

There's where I'm gonna wait, for you



I'll be lookin' out, night n'day

Took my heart to the limit, and this is where I'll stay

I can't go any further than this

I want you so bad it's my only wish

I can't go any further than this

I want you so bad it's my only wish